The flu, becoming well and other mysteries.

I knew last Tuesday I was sick. Sick as a dog in fact. I started throwing up my food as I was finishing my day from taking care of the twins. I felt so inherently weak. I thought- this is the flu. And then, I got the confirmation- aches and pains, chills, coughing up phlegm with a vengeance, and a record fever. But still I had my job on the line and perform- I must. This flu took away my appetite, rendering packages of Indian fare useless- soup, salads and entrees which might otherwise have helped me fight this battle. But I gave up straight away. It had a devastating effect on my energy level. I couldn't hold anything down either but I felt better when I didn't eat. So, five days of this and finally Friday I had finished work. Now, I had to attend to myself. I had a 101 degree temperature. But I didn't want to fight this with western medicine. I went straight to the avuryvedic expert- my roomate and told him my situation. It was so funny- he loves to eat. So do I. But I wasn't eating anything- not even an olive. No desire. My body was purging and that is all it wanted to do. So, I just took the remedies and prayed for the best. A healthy body. A healthy immune system.  A healer friend of mine asked me to ask the illness- "What is its' message?". I hadn't thought of that. So I asked- "What is your message?". Blank silence. Again. I said, "what is your message?" "Letting go"-after the fifth time, I finally got that response. So I ask now, have I let go?

The opposite of ????? Love vs. Survival

In 2010, I learned to state what I wanted and manifest it. I visualized it. At this point, in February, I may not have known what I wanted but I wanted the opposite of  it. It was defined as the "angry, contentious, argument driven energy" in which I surrounded myself with, One could say I didn't have the information that that is what I was attracting and surrounding myself with.

All I knew was that one's relationships do not have to be so drama-oriented. But I looked around in my personal life and I had no clear examples of that. Now I realize my relationship with myself was an impatient, angry battle and so naturally what I was doing was attracting people and situations like that. Slowly, I began the deep inner work that begins with transformation. I ended all friendships, interactions, and relationships which had even a hint of a"charge" to them. I didn't want to live this way anymore.

February introduced me to a nice woman who was a guide for me in final evolution of stating who I am. I knew that I had taken a long detour from the peaceful person I was in previous years. But I didn't know how to get back to that place without fear. Slowly I started to become kinder to myself. I started respecting my needs about who I was and where I was in my life. The interactions with "drama" became fewer and fewer but I became more lonely and I just attributed that to the natural sequence of events I had to undertake. I guess I still did not know it could be any different. But I was faking it until I could make it- so to speak. I had so much faith and hope that I could interact with people-especially men- on a peaceful, balanced and real level. I spent months in that state.

2010 was not an easy year for employment. I would receive temp contract assignment-one after the other- so I learned to rely on what spirit provided. And spirit did provide. I have been in and gotten out of more jams than you could count on ten hands. Luck and timing and destiny were at play.

Slowly slowly I shifted. I had my ups and downs. I was reminded of how far I had come in October when I stayed with a friend who had very similar energy to me three years ago. She also had a huge divide between who she was and who she thought she had to be to survive in this world. Survival vs. love right? Which one wins? It was that old issue. My friend is a spiritual being on this planet which is going through huge changes and a lot of times she would have up and down energy. Her male action-oriented side was in turmoil with her female receptive side. Plus the planetary change did a number on most of us in 2009 and 2010.  We literally didn't know who we were from the day before! So I knew that and I was the guide for her.

We all need a kinder,gentler way of looking at ourselves. We are on this planet at this time so give yourself credit. You could have left when the shifts got too "intense". You cold have decided that there was a way out. But you didn't. You pushed on and you thrived. So god bless you.

Finally in November what I had been looking for I found. I found two kind friends spiritually very similar to me living their lives with purpose and teaching as they lived. Thank God. You don't know who lucky I am to have found these two beautiful people, There were so many times in my life where I couldn't breathe and I didn't know where to go, what to do,. In other words, my path seemed blocked and I felt like I wasn't strong enough to continue. I know now all of that was a test and a testament to change my space- my inner space.

The day I got Derek O'Neill's book,"More Truth Will Set Your Free" was really when it answered all those questions. All those questions about anger and judgment and evolution. It really sunk in for me because that was the information I knew was out there but I could not locate it. The shift that I am experiencing now is natural and organic and so beautiful. I never thought it coukl be this beautiful. The inner world is shining and beautiful.

Giving Thanks to 2009 and 2010

The relief and ease with which I breathed in the new year of 2011 was palpable. I never thought that I would feel this much at ease in my body and in the timeline of this new time. It has happened. At this time, I would like to pay homage to 2009 and 2010. These were my two years of real struggle. In 2009, I left and abusive relationship in the beginning of January. I was upset and confused about the direction my interactions with my partner had taken. I left and sought shelter in a women's shelter for domestic violence. It was the smartest and the safest thing I could have done as it helped me sever ties directly and completely.

I came to understand that my self-esteem was at a dangerousely low point and I had allowed the situation to occur. I did a year of intensive counseling and looked at the surrounding issues. I credit my therapist with inspiring those life-affirming changes which enabled me to mentally cope with those situations. What were the reasons I had allowed someone to control me to such a level? The things this person had said to me were not ONLY harmful but they seemed to do direct damage to my self-respect. Like an bomb, each word he had said to me felt like another blow. At maybe 6 months into counseling I understood what was happening- that this is regular pattern for abusers. Those words were not about me- they were a direct reflection of how he felt about himself.

In March 2009, I finally left  the shelter and started the process of rebuilding who I was and where I would live. At the time, I visualized being in my own apartment, making my own choices. As strange as it seems, my mind thought this was an alien concept. I had always heard words like "You can't live without me!" or "You won't be able to make it!". In the book which I am now writing to help women, I identify this phrases as capturing control on the part of the abuser.

I went through more ups and downs than one can imagine, I went back and forth to the same situation. I saw my abuser again. The relationship got much worse. I went through a lot of tears in this process. And then I thought, " Wait a second- I can't give up on myself." I must pull through. Surely, there are people who have gone to great lengths to prepare me for this situation and I can do it. Somehow, in June 2009, I hit a dark deep place- a pool of great depression. And I wrote a psychotherapist in Ireland. I still have that letter. That letter is "my official emotional rock bottom". I simply stated that my world is falling apart and that I am extremely broken. And I asked for help. The tears on that letter have the stain of the "deepest, most abandoned places" in my heart. The sadness and despair was overwhelming. I remember it well. I was a counselor at a well-known Mental Health Association and I was the one who actually needed the help- amazing, isn't it?

There is an event in 2009 in July that I would like to touch on. I have the perspective now to reframe that experience. I was attending a spiritual workshop called More Truth Will Set You Free. I was beyond myself that night and this is the place I went to for help. I shared my story with the ladies in that workshop. The teacher listened to my story. She had never been through anything like that. She said to me that my situation was a little extreme. I thought nothing of it at the time. I was getting the healing I needed in that room. Then a woman, not the facilitator but another attendee said to me, "Didn't I see you at a workshop three years ago and didn't the speaker, Derek O'Neill say you had a death wish?". I was shocked and a little embarassed. I said "No. It was four years ago and he said that I had suicidal past-life imprints. She said, "Well, same thing. Don't you find that women in domestic violence situations are suffering from that issue- trying to take their own lives?" I said, "No, women who are in that issue are trying to survive and especially if they leave and enter a shelter, most of them are saving their own lives. But what does this have to do with my situation?" I was angry at that point.  I couldn't believe this woman, a teacher in the MTWSYF tradition, had said this to me. I wanted to leave. I was mortified. I didn't know what to do or what to say. That night, sheer exhaustion and focus got me through that workshop. A healing was occuring obviously. That woman fueled my fire for the next two months. She made me that angry and upset. I vowed to never ever be judgmental towards anyone again after I heard those words. She was the catalyst for all the action and changes in October and November and December 2009. I was that on fire with what she had said to me. Thank you to that teacher for doing that!!!