Messages and Visions and Guides

This post speaks about the last month and my journey out of NYC. I spent some days with my mother. I forgave her for her abusive ways when I was a child and I got to know her as a person. She was a very hurt soul but still had sunshine in her heart when she remembered herself as a young mother. Then I went to the Vipassana Meditation Center and they taught me how to meditate. I was suddenly engrossed in this new spirital direction. I wa alive and learning new things. Still, with everything going on, I had no clue that I no longer belonged in New York City. I mean - hey wait I suspected it. Things were hard sometimes but never this hard. I'm doing all this spiritual work. no something was wrong. Fnally, finally, my intuition kicks in and I realize. Wow- what a realization. I'm all grown up. I don't need to defer to anyone. I can change my GPS freely. I'm done. It was then that I realized I needed a break from NYC for me. Everything has been done already. No more fresh juice. No more fresh ideas. I am sufficiently worn out. I want to begin in some unknown town and I am freely truely myself now.

Come on, New York, you're like an old lover. you will always have a special place in my heart, You always will. But I've got to move on now and heal and find different parts of myself.

Living Anew

Well.. this is it- big boys and girls.. I'm leaving New York City and every pore in my body is singing singing singing..it's over. I've been here snce after college and I'm done. I no longer am relevant in this city and I am eager to start my life anew somewehere somewhere in Massachusettes. I'll always charge NYC to my "combat years'. But it is over!!!

The symptoms were there.. I was drowning in NYC. I was in a job which I hated in the last two years and I felt taken advantage of. I was working long hours and then- suddenly I wondered what am I a running around for..this is crazy.NYC functions like a huge big matrix and the matrix runs deep. Whether you take the red pill or the blue pill, you are still trapped in a "ratrace". Lots of power, control and money make ts city go arund, but I didn't feel the humanity towrds the end. But there it is.. I spent my early adult years rolling around in it. It's tiring. It's old. And it's dated. There are other cities of prominence.
Thank you for sustaining me for nearly 15 years. Now I'm done. Headed out to the best!

A Tribute to All the Hell 2002 to 2009

 A long time ago I met someone I would later regret being involved with.

Or do I really regret the last seven years of my life.  I never thought that I would eventually become the prey. I did however label my husband a "predator". And it was not my any small stretch of the imagination. I believe that in meeting this man, I did set myself up for violence, misdirected anger and general abuse.

His process was to coolly calculate whether I was worth his time, and how much he would have to lay out to court me. Later I would realize his mentality was that every woman had a price.

It always came back to money and his earning potential. Constantly he reminded me that his potential was huge and he made more money than me. I learned to ignore such boastful remarks early in the relationship.

But what was I really ignoring. His superiority over me, and growing insecurity to state it at all in the first place. Looking back now, I can see the signs of narcissism and low self-esteem so clearly. What was that quote about hindsight that people make? Hindsight is always 20-20.

He was quick in arousal of anger, speedy in his need to be in control. I loved this characteristics initially. They used to make me feel sure and guided in his strong hands. Now, it makes me feel ill.

How do I rectify what I saw as strong and capable now as controlling and unhappy?

I remember not being attached to the outcome of dating him as there were so many choices at that time. Did I forget how powerful and attractive I was as a woman? How did I retreat into this cocoon of despair and misery that soon became my existence? I wanted to be heard and assured. And I stopped hearing and assuring myself, my sure inner voice had gone silent.

It was as if a flame had gone out in the candle of my soul. I actually didn't remember what it was like to have inner voice. Now that was disturbing.

Only years later would I realize that this is a common step in many women's journeys.

The doubting of their own voice, their own lighthouse which safely guides them in the dark of life. Well, my pilot light was not just dim. It had completely gone out. I had no words to describe the pain I was feeling at that moment. I felt empty like a shell. Someone had robbed me of all my "fight".  All that was left was a scared little mouse that was hovering in the corner.

At that moment, I knew implicitly that I was in "survivor shock". Survivor shock refers to the skeletal existence of one's inner voice after a traumatic experience. Bare bones reside where a very healthy scream once used to.

This was my "condition". I diagnosed myself. I had nowhere to go but "upward". I couldn't possibly fall any further. Free. Free at last.. God bless Jesus. I am finally free at last.

The Predator- May 2002 thru November 2009

The Predator by Sareena Sandhu

I belive he had the notion quite a while ago that he could woo women with his cash, his words, and his sexual bravado. I should have recognized his colors a long ago when i was still an ingenue. He, himself, rivals the "whores" that he paid for and claims took advantage of.

I suppose after 7 years I no longer represent the prey but also the predator now since I practice his malicious twisted ways. I have taken in all this supposed mafia man's anger and abuse and it has twisted my gut. I'm willing to put him appropiately to rest and out to pasture.

It never occured to me that his words and psychology were something more than old-school, now I see them as misogystic and supremely detrimental to any woman's self-esteem. He batters the very essence of my self respect by putting down my job, my personality and my family. I represent the last female victim of this man. His brutality and anger cut through me.

As the "prey" for a year, I saw utter hell. His world collapsed into a self -made web of cruelty and loneliness. Now, karma does really pay you back. I saw a man that attempted to fuck me when I didn't consent, control me in countless ways, and psychologically "destroy" me. 

I am alive and here to support that he controls nothing. And I'm here to make sure no other woman falls in the same trap.

Happy New Year 2012!

Happy New Year 2012! For those of us(and we know who we are) who have made it through the last four years sometimes by the skin of their teeth, congratulations! This is exactly the moment in time we have been waiting for! And we are the peoples we have been waiting for! We are one- and every single person on this planet at this moment has agreed to be here and do their part! If you thought about pressing the "eject" button one or two or even three times, you are not alone. But the point is you didn't! You made it!

So, at this moment, I must "air" something I previously hadn't. In June 2011, I had a disagreement with a certain someone and they yelled at me, telling me "all my spirituality is nonsense!", "My gods were dead", and Amma(Ammachi - the hugging saint) was dead and was nothing". Actually he screamed that at me. I would like to now take the time to address that.
 My fellow human being, I hope you didn't actually mean that and were only mad. My gods and spiritual teachers are my own. We all have a different path. We are take different turns. Your words hurt me, but I recovered. The attitude you then took for the next few months of superiority in spiritual matters will never make you prove you are right or correct. In the end, the attitude proved to be detrimental. You have a different path. I never insulted anything you believed in. I am happy that the veil of illusion was broken and I understand how you truly felt. Good luck on your way.

If we all can understand that we are one. We are helping each other through the ascension process and there is no reason to "throw anybody under the bus" while they are struggling. Happy New Earth 2012!

Love vs. Survival II- Control/power vs. Sourceflow

Love vs. Survival II- Control/power vs. Sourceflow by Sareena Sandhu

I never thought I would be writing this again. Well, I've been on this planet a long time I figure. Lots of experiences- good and bad. My body records them. My mind can access them. The state of energy in the body- how does it change as we go through our struggles and breakthroughs during this time of Ascension?
Two years ago I left a verbally and physically abusive relationship. I stayed in a woman's shelter for three months. I rebuilt my life and my mind. I started at my bottom and realized I had a shattered self-esteem and self-worth. Every "no" I said was followed by another boundary crossed, another word hurled at me, another push or shove. It wasn't until my therapy that I truly learned the power of the word "No". "No" means that you simply won't take it anymore. "No" means that you won't allow any further abuse. "No" means "No". Therapy became a way of life for me. My "inner child" was talking to my "inner mother".  The whole inside of me began talking to each other. Simply amazing. In that year I progressed seven years. Then I became an advocate for women and women's rights, protesting when necessary, fundraising when necessary. I thought i was really on the road to recovery. And I am.
Well, finally here I am sitting pretty in September 2011 and I start to feel a little funny about the way someone talks to me. It leaves a residue. I can't quite place it. But I'm uncomfortable. And I have to deal with this person on a business level. Finally, there is a misunderstanding between us. And this person talks to me in such a way that I feel demeaned and smaller afterwards. He looks at me and demands that I repeat what he just said. He wants to make it clear so there is no future misunderstanding.
And what??.. the light bulb goes on..oh hell no! No..no. no.no..no. At that moment, I say to myself- you are conscious in this moment- observe this person's behavior, don't react. Stay in your power. Stay in your power, Sareena. And, at that place, a space opens up for me. The opportunity for my soul to actually grow. I say, "No. No it's not clear because I do not agree. I don't have to repeat what you just said. Your behavior is controlling. I won't do that. No".
In that moment, I have made it. Higher self tosses soul the master test. Repeat the situation in her life. Let her see what she's really made of. Can she shine?? Soul winks at higher self- yeah I see my karma. I get what I'm here to do. This is of utmost importance.
Yes. Yes. And most empoweredly Yes!!!

Weather patterns and individual healing- same thing

I felt the earthquake on Tuesday the 23rd, 2011. I was on a higher floor in Manhattan. All of a sudden, the building swayed and then, aburst of wind entered through the window. About three minutes later, it registered that we had just had an earthquake. So, this is old news now. Today I find myself writing about the preparation of Hurricane Irene and a piece of my personal puzzle finally coming to a close.

In preparation for Irene, I bought batteries, a radio, food, lots of water. I prepared myself for some quiet time. Reflection is what I felt I needed. I recently have been on the mission for a few years to transform an existing relationship with my mother. Today, I finally got it. I am my own mother. I am displaying the female divine energy of a mother. I have taken it on. I now have the permission to move on from a dead end. In so doing, I acknowledge all the choices which my biological mother made in order to birth me and raise me and now, I let her go. I don't expect anything from her. I won't initiate contact with her. She wants to be left alone. That is what she will receive from me. Many years have passed and I had made so many efforts to reconnect with a woman I tried to understand.
At this point I acknowledge that she is a human being as I am. I respect other human beings and concur with her wishes. Let God be with you.

The conversation between me and my mother was abrupt and short. It took me straight in pain. My mother reiterated her need to not "be bothered ever again" from a phone call from her daughter. She didn't need it and she didn't want it. She was fine (as far as the Hurricane), fine in general and have a nice life. She hung up. Yup..my heart slammed open and closed. Done. It reminded me of why I took on this search so many years ago and "glamourized" it.  I need to see things the way they truly are and not simply how I would like them to be. The facts are: that part of my life is over. I am:my own mother. I have the capability of mothering myself. I can look after myself. I can provide nurturing support. The lesson in this life I have learned has been painful but it made me who I am today. A woman who is empowered in love.

When you have a broken heart, you may do many things to not feel the true pain. That pain if inflicted by a parent, is humungous. But once you move through, just as the Hurricane Irene moves through us, there is clarity. In a lot of the same ways, I idealized my romantic relationships in my earlier years. Once again, not seeing them truly for what they are. The truth is powerful. And it hurts. But we are all on this planet to shift right now, whether that takes 2 seconds or 2 years and that is our destiny.

In the spirit of letting go, the sobs which follow, and finally a sigh, I wish the same spirit collectively occurs as Hurricane Irene moves through the NYC tri-state area and cleanses old hurts and pains to final release.