Giving Thanks to 2009 and 2010

The relief and ease with which I breathed in the new year of 2011 was palpable. I never thought that I would feel this much at ease in my body and in the timeline of this new time. It has happened. At this time, I would like to pay homage to 2009 and 2010. These were my two years of real struggle. In 2009, I left and abusive relationship in the beginning of January. I was upset and confused about the direction my interactions with my partner had taken. I left and sought shelter in a women's shelter for domestic violence. It was the smartest and the safest thing I could have done as it helped me sever ties directly and completely.

I came to understand that my self-esteem was at a dangerousely low point and I had allowed the situation to occur. I did a year of intensive counseling and looked at the surrounding issues. I credit my therapist with inspiring those life-affirming changes which enabled me to mentally cope with those situations. What were the reasons I had allowed someone to control me to such a level? The things this person had said to me were not ONLY harmful but they seemed to do direct damage to my self-respect. Like an bomb, each word he had said to me felt like another blow. At maybe 6 months into counseling I understood what was happening- that this is regular pattern for abusers. Those words were not about me- they were a direct reflection of how he felt about himself.

In March 2009, I finally left  the shelter and started the process of rebuilding who I was and where I would live. At the time, I visualized being in my own apartment, making my own choices. As strange as it seems, my mind thought this was an alien concept. I had always heard words like "You can't live without me!" or "You won't be able to make it!". In the book which I am now writing to help women, I identify this phrases as capturing control on the part of the abuser.

I went through more ups and downs than one can imagine, I went back and forth to the same situation. I saw my abuser again. The relationship got much worse. I went through a lot of tears in this process. And then I thought, " Wait a second- I can't give up on myself." I must pull through. Surely, there are people who have gone to great lengths to prepare me for this situation and I can do it. Somehow, in June 2009, I hit a dark deep place- a pool of great depression. And I wrote a psychotherapist in Ireland. I still have that letter. That letter is "my official emotional rock bottom". I simply stated that my world is falling apart and that I am extremely broken. And I asked for help. The tears on that letter have the stain of the "deepest, most abandoned places" in my heart. The sadness and despair was overwhelming. I remember it well. I was a counselor at a well-known Mental Health Association and I was the one who actually needed the help- amazing, isn't it?

There is an event in 2009 in July that I would like to touch on. I have the perspective now to reframe that experience. I was attending a spiritual workshop called More Truth Will Set You Free. I was beyond myself that night and this is the place I went to for help. I shared my story with the ladies in that workshop. The teacher listened to my story. She had never been through anything like that. She said to me that my situation was a little extreme. I thought nothing of it at the time. I was getting the healing I needed in that room. Then a woman, not the facilitator but another attendee said to me, "Didn't I see you at a workshop three years ago and didn't the speaker, Derek O'Neill say you had a death wish?". I was shocked and a little embarassed. I said "No. It was four years ago and he said that I had suicidal past-life imprints. She said, "Well, same thing. Don't you find that women in domestic violence situations are suffering from that issue- trying to take their own lives?" I said, "No, women who are in that issue are trying to survive and especially if they leave and enter a shelter, most of them are saving their own lives. But what does this have to do with my situation?" I was angry at that point.  I couldn't believe this woman, a teacher in the MTWSYF tradition, had said this to me. I wanted to leave. I was mortified. I didn't know what to do or what to say. That night, sheer exhaustion and focus got me through that workshop. A healing was occuring obviously. That woman fueled my fire for the next two months. She made me that angry and upset. I vowed to never ever be judgmental towards anyone again after I heard those words. She was the catalyst for all the action and changes in October and November and December 2009. I was that on fire with what she had said to me. Thank you to that teacher for doing that!!!