The opposite of ????? Love vs. Survival

In 2010, I learned to state what I wanted and manifest it. I visualized it. At this point, in February, I may not have known what I wanted but I wanted the opposite of  it. It was defined as the "angry, contentious, argument driven energy" in which I surrounded myself with, One could say I didn't have the information that that is what I was attracting and surrounding myself with.

All I knew was that one's relationships do not have to be so drama-oriented. But I looked around in my personal life and I had no clear examples of that. Now I realize my relationship with myself was an impatient, angry battle and so naturally what I was doing was attracting people and situations like that. Slowly, I began the deep inner work that begins with transformation. I ended all friendships, interactions, and relationships which had even a hint of a"charge" to them. I didn't want to live this way anymore.

February introduced me to a nice woman who was a guide for me in final evolution of stating who I am. I knew that I had taken a long detour from the peaceful person I was in previous years. But I didn't know how to get back to that place without fear. Slowly I started to become kinder to myself. I started respecting my needs about who I was and where I was in my life. The interactions with "drama" became fewer and fewer but I became more lonely and I just attributed that to the natural sequence of events I had to undertake. I guess I still did not know it could be any different. But I was faking it until I could make it- so to speak. I had so much faith and hope that I could interact with people-especially men- on a peaceful, balanced and real level. I spent months in that state.

2010 was not an easy year for employment. I would receive temp contract assignment-one after the other- so I learned to rely on what spirit provided. And spirit did provide. I have been in and gotten out of more jams than you could count on ten hands. Luck and timing and destiny were at play.

Slowly slowly I shifted. I had my ups and downs. I was reminded of how far I had come in October when I stayed with a friend who had very similar energy to me three years ago. She also had a huge divide between who she was and who she thought she had to be to survive in this world. Survival vs. love right? Which one wins? It was that old issue. My friend is a spiritual being on this planet which is going through huge changes and a lot of times she would have up and down energy. Her male action-oriented side was in turmoil with her female receptive side. Plus the planetary change did a number on most of us in 2009 and 2010.  We literally didn't know who we were from the day before! So I knew that and I was the guide for her.

We all need a kinder,gentler way of looking at ourselves. We are on this planet at this time so give yourself credit. You could have left when the shifts got too "intense". You cold have decided that there was a way out. But you didn't. You pushed on and you thrived. So god bless you.

Finally in November what I had been looking for I found. I found two kind friends spiritually very similar to me living their lives with purpose and teaching as they lived. Thank God. You don't know who lucky I am to have found these two beautiful people, There were so many times in my life where I couldn't breathe and I didn't know where to go, what to do,. In other words, my path seemed blocked and I felt like I wasn't strong enough to continue. I know now all of that was a test and a testament to change my space- my inner space.

The day I got Derek O'Neill's book,"More Truth Will Set Your Free" was really when it answered all those questions. All those questions about anger and judgment and evolution. It really sunk in for me because that was the information I knew was out there but I could not locate it. The shift that I am experiencing now is natural and organic and so beautiful. I never thought it coukl be this beautiful. The inner world is shining and beautiful.