A long time ago I met someone I would later regret being involved with.
Or do I really regret the last seven years of my life. I never thought that I would eventually become the prey. I did however label my husband a "predator". And it was not my any small stretch of the imagination. I believe that in meeting this man, I did set myself up for violence, misdirected anger and general abuse.
His process was to coolly calculate whether I was worth his time, and how much he would have to lay out to court me. Later I would realize his mentality was that every woman had a price.
It always came back to money and his earning potential. Constantly he reminded me that his potential was huge and he made more money than me. I learned to ignore such boastful remarks early in the relationship.
But what was I really ignoring. His superiority over me, and growing insecurity to state it at all in the first place. Looking back now, I can see the signs of narcissism and low self-esteem so clearly. What was that quote about hindsight that people make? Hindsight is always 20-20.
He was quick in arousal of anger, speedy in his need to be in control. I loved this characteristics initially. They used to make me feel sure and guided in his strong hands. Now, it makes me feel ill.
How do I rectify what I saw as strong and capable now as controlling and unhappy?
I remember not being attached to the outcome of dating him as there were so many choices at that time. Did I forget how powerful and attractive I was as a woman? How did I retreat into this cocoon of despair and misery that soon became my existence? I wanted to be heard and assured. And I stopped hearing and assuring myself, my sure inner voice had gone silent.
It was as if a flame had gone out in the candle of my soul. I actually didn't remember what it was like to have inner voice. Now that was disturbing.
Only years later would I realize that this is a common step in many women's journeys.
The doubting of their own voice, their own lighthouse which safely guides them in the dark of life. Well, my pilot light was not just dim. It had completely gone out. I had no words to describe the pain I was feeling at that moment. I felt empty like a shell. Someone had robbed me of all my "fight". All that was left was a scared little mouse that was hovering in the corner.
At that moment, I knew implicitly that I was in "survivor shock". Survivor shock refers to the skeletal existence of one's inner voice after a traumatic experience. Bare bones reside where a very healthy scream once used to.
This was my "condition". I diagnosed myself. I had nowhere to go but "upward". I couldn't possibly fall any further. Free. Free at last.. God bless Jesus. I am finally free at last.
