Love vs. Survival II- Control/power vs. Sourceflow

Love vs. Survival II- Control/power vs. Sourceflow by Sareena Sandhu

I never thought I would be writing this again. Well, I've been on this planet a long time I figure. Lots of experiences- good and bad. My body records them. My mind can access them. The state of energy in the body- how does it change as we go through our struggles and breakthroughs during this time of Ascension?
Two years ago I left a verbally and physically abusive relationship. I stayed in a woman's shelter for three months. I rebuilt my life and my mind. I started at my bottom and realized I had a shattered self-esteem and self-worth. Every "no" I said was followed by another boundary crossed, another word hurled at me, another push or shove. It wasn't until my therapy that I truly learned the power of the word "No". "No" means that you simply won't take it anymore. "No" means that you won't allow any further abuse. "No" means "No". Therapy became a way of life for me. My "inner child" was talking to my "inner mother".  The whole inside of me began talking to each other. Simply amazing. In that year I progressed seven years. Then I became an advocate for women and women's rights, protesting when necessary, fundraising when necessary. I thought i was really on the road to recovery. And I am.
Well, finally here I am sitting pretty in September 2011 and I start to feel a little funny about the way someone talks to me. It leaves a residue. I can't quite place it. But I'm uncomfortable. And I have to deal with this person on a business level. Finally, there is a misunderstanding between us. And this person talks to me in such a way that I feel demeaned and smaller afterwards. He looks at me and demands that I repeat what he just said. He wants to make it clear so there is no future misunderstanding.
And what??.. the light bulb goes on..oh hell no! No..no. no.no..no. At that moment, I say to myself- you are conscious in this moment- observe this person's behavior, don't react. Stay in your power. Stay in your power, Sareena. And, at that place, a space opens up for me. The opportunity for my soul to actually grow. I say, "No. No it's not clear because I do not agree. I don't have to repeat what you just said. Your behavior is controlling. I won't do that. No".
In that moment, I have made it. Higher self tosses soul the master test. Repeat the situation in her life. Let her see what she's really made of. Can she shine?? Soul winks at higher self- yeah I see my karma. I get what I'm here to do. This is of utmost importance.
Yes. Yes. And most empoweredly Yes!!!

Weather patterns and individual healing- same thing

I felt the earthquake on Tuesday the 23rd, 2011. I was on a higher floor in Manhattan. All of a sudden, the building swayed and then, aburst of wind entered through the window. About three minutes later, it registered that we had just had an earthquake. So, this is old news now. Today I find myself writing about the preparation of Hurricane Irene and a piece of my personal puzzle finally coming to a close.

In preparation for Irene, I bought batteries, a radio, food, lots of water. I prepared myself for some quiet time. Reflection is what I felt I needed. I recently have been on the mission for a few years to transform an existing relationship with my mother. Today, I finally got it. I am my own mother. I am displaying the female divine energy of a mother. I have taken it on. I now have the permission to move on from a dead end. In so doing, I acknowledge all the choices which my biological mother made in order to birth me and raise me and now, I let her go. I don't expect anything from her. I won't initiate contact with her. She wants to be left alone. That is what she will receive from me. Many years have passed and I had made so many efforts to reconnect with a woman I tried to understand.
At this point I acknowledge that she is a human being as I am. I respect other human beings and concur with her wishes. Let God be with you.

The conversation between me and my mother was abrupt and short. It took me straight in pain. My mother reiterated her need to not "be bothered ever again" from a phone call from her daughter. She didn't need it and she didn't want it. She was fine (as far as the Hurricane), fine in general and have a nice life. She hung up. Yup..my heart slammed open and closed. Done. It reminded me of why I took on this search so many years ago and "glamourized" it.  I need to see things the way they truly are and not simply how I would like them to be. The facts are: that part of my life is over. I am:my own mother. I have the capability of mothering myself. I can look after myself. I can provide nurturing support. The lesson in this life I have learned has been painful but it made me who I am today. A woman who is empowered in love.

When you have a broken heart, you may do many things to not feel the true pain. That pain if inflicted by a parent, is humungous. But once you move through, just as the Hurricane Irene moves through us, there is clarity. In a lot of the same ways, I idealized my romantic relationships in my earlier years. Once again, not seeing them truly for what they are. The truth is powerful. And it hurts. But we are all on this planet to shift right now, whether that takes 2 seconds or 2 years and that is our destiny.

In the spirit of letting go, the sobs which follow, and finally a sigh, I wish the same spirit collectively occurs as Hurricane Irene moves through the NYC tri-state area and cleanses old hurts and pains to final release.

Welcome to the Evolution!!!

In the last two months, my friends and I have been experiencing some great breakthroughs. We are really evolving, changing at the speed of light and we are happy!!! Issues that have troubled us for years are now resolved. So I'd like to thank my psychic, my healer, my therapist, and my astrologer! No really! Seriously! It takes major backup at times to achieve ones goal!!!!

Post lunar eclipse- progress report

Well, it finally dawned on me today. We were called upon this mission to come here as beings of light to Planet Earth. We thought the mission would actually be easier. In Source, the heavy density of Earth and polarity is quite uncomfortable and difficult to imagine. Somewhere in the past, I signed a contract to be here and shine my Light upon the World. No matter what happens, this is what I have to do. I am a Being of Light. I finally get it and understand now what is required to Ascend. There is no one other than yourself helping you or stopping you. In the next two years when we are closest to the Edge, YOU can do it. YOU can reconnect to your mission, remember who you are, JUMP that Grid and ASCEND!!!V DO IT!!!

Total Eclipse of the heart

Tongue-in-cheek,i titled my post. This 45 day period of 3 eclipses is no laughing matter as I have been speaking to clients, peers, friends and the like about how sudden and explosive this period has been. I myself have almost lost two friendships and had unpredictable moments with friends. I would honestly say this is not the time to meet new people and each of us lightworkers has the amazing ability to manifest exactly what we want in a way inlike that before us.

Introducing the Authentic YOU!

For ten years in my life, I played a role in the underworld. I was at the "party" for way too long, after my drinks had finished and still had my party clothes on when everyone else had their day clothes on. In my upcoming book, "Dark Goddess, Light Goddess"  I talk about playing both sides of the equation and doing so with the gusto, knowledge and full out abandon which I did in my twenties and thirties. I am now completely who I am born to be, stripped away of all of the labels, masks, glamour and clouring which I and society remade. I am Authentic, a force onto myself. Each person's path is different. Not everyone needs intensive trauma to create a diamond. I chose it that way.

Persephone was my role, and now I am relaxing a little taking a trip into the Elysian fields and fairieland remembering the many souls and lifetimes in which I had ease, grace and harmony. Well, I gotta say it to myself, cause it's the truth. "YOU"VE COME A LONG WAY, BABY!"

The Rebirth of Our Planet

On Tuesday morning, I was preparing breakfast and a glass broke on me. That never happens to me. Just that minute I received a psychic flash that some major new event was about to happen. I was terrified. I tested my two closest friends and I called them also. I couldn't calm down until mid afternoone. i kept scanning the news and CNN on- line. I felt it was an issue with security. Well, Four days later and the an 8.9 earthquake in Japan. And a tsunami. This is it folks. Our planet and Gaia- the earthly feminine energy will not take it anymore. It is time. Rebirth. Massive changes in landscape on this planet. Some things are dying and are then reborn. I am in rebirth on a microcosm level mirroring the rebirth on a macrocosm level. Get ready!

When I am hurting...

Yeah I thought it would be productive to use this phrase- "when I am hurting... and follow throught with what I feel. When I am hurting..I instantly want to call someone to tell them how I am feeling. When I am hurting, I wonder who is around for me now. When I am hurting, I ask God for LOVE!!

Rebirth

Tbhis year, after two long years of recovering from an abusive situation, I finally started exploring my emotions. I had a breakdown or a breakthrough you could say. All those months of planning, leaving my ex, setting up my new apartment, putting stuff in storage, losing my old property has put me on the path for rebirth. I am being reborn. I don't have the same job. I don't have the same friends-most of them at least. I don't have the same identity. I am a different being truly. Something happened to me on saturday. Something which happens to survivors. I finally was able to breathe and see myself for who I really was. I took a breath into being reborn.I felt something. Do you know how many victims of emotional and psychological abuse feel absolutely nothing? Well I did when I was in survival mode. And apparently this "state of being" for me lasted two years. Two years of obstacles, countless job changes, financial shifts, etc etc.etc.

I had begun to make peace with my property which was missing. It doesn't matter anymore. It's not me. The clothing is not me. All of it can be replaced. And if you compare that to my story of survival you may see how much it doesn't matter anymore.

I released Saturday. Cries and tears and sobs. I cried myself to sleep knowing that at the end of that dark tunnel of pain, I am alive and am reborn.

The flu, becoming well and other mysteries.

I knew last Tuesday I was sick. Sick as a dog in fact. I started throwing up my food as I was finishing my day from taking care of the twins. I felt so inherently weak. I thought- this is the flu. And then, I got the confirmation- aches and pains, chills, coughing up phlegm with a vengeance, and a record fever. But still I had my job on the line and perform- I must. This flu took away my appetite, rendering packages of Indian fare useless- soup, salads and entrees which might otherwise have helped me fight this battle. But I gave up straight away. It had a devastating effect on my energy level. I couldn't hold anything down either but I felt better when I didn't eat. So, five days of this and finally Friday I had finished work. Now, I had to attend to myself. I had a 101 degree temperature. But I didn't want to fight this with western medicine. I went straight to the avuryvedic expert- my roomate and told him my situation. It was so funny- he loves to eat. So do I. But I wasn't eating anything- not even an olive. No desire. My body was purging and that is all it wanted to do. So, I just took the remedies and prayed for the best. A healthy body. A healthy immune system.  A healer friend of mine asked me to ask the illness- "What is its' message?". I hadn't thought of that. So I asked- "What is your message?". Blank silence. Again. I said, "what is your message?" "Letting go"-after the fifth time, I finally got that response. So I ask now, have I let go?

The opposite of ????? Love vs. Survival

In 2010, I learned to state what I wanted and manifest it. I visualized it. At this point, in February, I may not have known what I wanted but I wanted the opposite of  it. It was defined as the "angry, contentious, argument driven energy" in which I surrounded myself with, One could say I didn't have the information that that is what I was attracting and surrounding myself with.

All I knew was that one's relationships do not have to be so drama-oriented. But I looked around in my personal life and I had no clear examples of that. Now I realize my relationship with myself was an impatient, angry battle and so naturally what I was doing was attracting people and situations like that. Slowly, I began the deep inner work that begins with transformation. I ended all friendships, interactions, and relationships which had even a hint of a"charge" to them. I didn't want to live this way anymore.

February introduced me to a nice woman who was a guide for me in final evolution of stating who I am. I knew that I had taken a long detour from the peaceful person I was in previous years. But I didn't know how to get back to that place without fear. Slowly I started to become kinder to myself. I started respecting my needs about who I was and where I was in my life. The interactions with "drama" became fewer and fewer but I became more lonely and I just attributed that to the natural sequence of events I had to undertake. I guess I still did not know it could be any different. But I was faking it until I could make it- so to speak. I had so much faith and hope that I could interact with people-especially men- on a peaceful, balanced and real level. I spent months in that state.

2010 was not an easy year for employment. I would receive temp contract assignment-one after the other- so I learned to rely on what spirit provided. And spirit did provide. I have been in and gotten out of more jams than you could count on ten hands. Luck and timing and destiny were at play.

Slowly slowly I shifted. I had my ups and downs. I was reminded of how far I had come in October when I stayed with a friend who had very similar energy to me three years ago. She also had a huge divide between who she was and who she thought she had to be to survive in this world. Survival vs. love right? Which one wins? It was that old issue. My friend is a spiritual being on this planet which is going through huge changes and a lot of times she would have up and down energy. Her male action-oriented side was in turmoil with her female receptive side. Plus the planetary change did a number on most of us in 2009 and 2010.  We literally didn't know who we were from the day before! So I knew that and I was the guide for her.

We all need a kinder,gentler way of looking at ourselves. We are on this planet at this time so give yourself credit. You could have left when the shifts got too "intense". You cold have decided that there was a way out. But you didn't. You pushed on and you thrived. So god bless you.

Finally in November what I had been looking for I found. I found two kind friends spiritually very similar to me living their lives with purpose and teaching as they lived. Thank God. You don't know who lucky I am to have found these two beautiful people, There were so many times in my life where I couldn't breathe and I didn't know where to go, what to do,. In other words, my path seemed blocked and I felt like I wasn't strong enough to continue. I know now all of that was a test and a testament to change my space- my inner space.

The day I got Derek O'Neill's book,"More Truth Will Set Your Free" was really when it answered all those questions. All those questions about anger and judgment and evolution. It really sunk in for me because that was the information I knew was out there but I could not locate it. The shift that I am experiencing now is natural and organic and so beautiful. I never thought it coukl be this beautiful. The inner world is shining and beautiful.

Giving Thanks to 2009 and 2010

The relief and ease with which I breathed in the new year of 2011 was palpable. I never thought that I would feel this much at ease in my body and in the timeline of this new time. It has happened. At this time, I would like to pay homage to 2009 and 2010. These were my two years of real struggle. In 2009, I left and abusive relationship in the beginning of January. I was upset and confused about the direction my interactions with my partner had taken. I left and sought shelter in a women's shelter for domestic violence. It was the smartest and the safest thing I could have done as it helped me sever ties directly and completely.

I came to understand that my self-esteem was at a dangerousely low point and I had allowed the situation to occur. I did a year of intensive counseling and looked at the surrounding issues. I credit my therapist with inspiring those life-affirming changes which enabled me to mentally cope with those situations. What were the reasons I had allowed someone to control me to such a level? The things this person had said to me were not ONLY harmful but they seemed to do direct damage to my self-respect. Like an bomb, each word he had said to me felt like another blow. At maybe 6 months into counseling I understood what was happening- that this is regular pattern for abusers. Those words were not about me- they were a direct reflection of how he felt about himself.

In March 2009, I finally left  the shelter and started the process of rebuilding who I was and where I would live. At the time, I visualized being in my own apartment, making my own choices. As strange as it seems, my mind thought this was an alien concept. I had always heard words like "You can't live without me!" or "You won't be able to make it!". In the book which I am now writing to help women, I identify this phrases as capturing control on the part of the abuser.

I went through more ups and downs than one can imagine, I went back and forth to the same situation. I saw my abuser again. The relationship got much worse. I went through a lot of tears in this process. And then I thought, " Wait a second- I can't give up on myself." I must pull through. Surely, there are people who have gone to great lengths to prepare me for this situation and I can do it. Somehow, in June 2009, I hit a dark deep place- a pool of great depression. And I wrote a psychotherapist in Ireland. I still have that letter. That letter is "my official emotional rock bottom". I simply stated that my world is falling apart and that I am extremely broken. And I asked for help. The tears on that letter have the stain of the "deepest, most abandoned places" in my heart. The sadness and despair was overwhelming. I remember it well. I was a counselor at a well-known Mental Health Association and I was the one who actually needed the help- amazing, isn't it?

There is an event in 2009 in July that I would like to touch on. I have the perspective now to reframe that experience. I was attending a spiritual workshop called More Truth Will Set You Free. I was beyond myself that night and this is the place I went to for help. I shared my story with the ladies in that workshop. The teacher listened to my story. She had never been through anything like that. She said to me that my situation was a little extreme. I thought nothing of it at the time. I was getting the healing I needed in that room. Then a woman, not the facilitator but another attendee said to me, "Didn't I see you at a workshop three years ago and didn't the speaker, Derek O'Neill say you had a death wish?". I was shocked and a little embarassed. I said "No. It was four years ago and he said that I had suicidal past-life imprints. She said, "Well, same thing. Don't you find that women in domestic violence situations are suffering from that issue- trying to take their own lives?" I said, "No, women who are in that issue are trying to survive and especially if they leave and enter a shelter, most of them are saving their own lives. But what does this have to do with my situation?" I was angry at that point.  I couldn't believe this woman, a teacher in the MTWSYF tradition, had said this to me. I wanted to leave. I was mortified. I didn't know what to do or what to say. That night, sheer exhaustion and focus got me through that workshop. A healing was occuring obviously. That woman fueled my fire for the next two months. She made me that angry and upset. I vowed to never ever be judgmental towards anyone again after I heard those words. She was the catalyst for all the action and changes in October and November and December 2009. I was that on fire with what she had said to me. Thank you to that teacher for doing that!!!