Transformation for the New Year

In July 2012, I did seva with The Amma team in NYC. This year we were at the Javits center. From the first trickle of people coming in to receive darshan, I could feel the love and change coming in waves to help all of us ascend. It is amazing. The last eight months haven't been eas but let's just say I won't forget them. All three days the home of divine feminine energy charged itself in NYC. Even the most male-oriented followers came in droves to see Mother Ammachi for a blessing, It is always a pleasure to serve Mother. This year I could feel a silent blessing working inside of me- sealing all the parts to finally make them whole.

Working with this energy really helped me in August. It has occurred to me now that old forms of energy are quickly leaving the planet. Ome of them I would like to focus on is patriarchal patterns of control. Gurus are no longer applicable, however a spiritual student might like to study with a spiritual teacher. I am here to say that teachers come in all forms, dark and light.  In my experience, it is no longer necessary for me to work with male teachers. Let's just say my experience this year took the cake and I no longer need to surround myself with people who are uncomfortable with the strength and power of women. I can suround myself with those who enjoy the Divine Feminine. Masks and betrayals come in every shape and size, and it's always nice to see the little individual peering out from behind the "Wizard of oz" curtain. It teaches us. However, on a new planet and paradigm of Earth in the Ascension, misogyny and name-calling of women will not be accepted on any terms. Women and men are free to be in balance and alignment with this New Earth and live in harmony and peace. Amen baby!

I'm loving it- Teaching children meditation

Dear Vipassana Meditation Center,

Thank you so much for the opportunity to serve as a group leader for children's meditation workshops... this experience was absolutely wonderful. I had an opportunity to deepen my meditation practice and interact with children. I absolutely love kids and I am sure it won't be too long before I have a baby of my own. Peaceful, natural, organic!

Sincerely,

Sareena

Vipassana Meditation Center

This meditation center is really really good, The ability to observe oneself and truly know the inner parts is an excellent tool. I cannot tell you how many times I have thought to myself- what a great tool for family and friends. I had enlisted for a dhamma service period and a three- day course. This was absolutely essential for my daily practice. One hour of meditation in the morning and one hour at night. It sincerely changes your perspective and takes you out of your misery. I can tell you it has changed people's lives. It makes you more yourself. Clearer, happier and freer.

Messages and Visions and Guides

This post speaks about the last month and my journey out of NYC. I spent some days with my mother. I forgave her for her abusive ways when I was a child and I got to know her as a person. She was a very hurt soul but still had sunshine in her heart when she remembered herself as a young mother. Then I went to the Vipassana Meditation Center and they taught me how to meditate. I was suddenly engrossed in this new spirital direction. I wa alive and learning new things. Still, with everything going on, I had no clue that I no longer belonged in New York City. I mean - hey wait I suspected it. Things were hard sometimes but never this hard. I'm doing all this spiritual work. no something was wrong. Fnally, finally, my intuition kicks in and I realize. Wow- what a realization. I'm all grown up. I don't need to defer to anyone. I can change my GPS freely. I'm done. It was then that I realized I needed a break from NYC for me. Everything has been done already. No more fresh juice. No more fresh ideas. I am sufficiently worn out. I want to begin in some unknown town and I am freely truely myself now.

Come on, New York, you're like an old lover. you will always have a special place in my heart, You always will. But I've got to move on now and heal and find different parts of myself.

Living Anew

Well.. this is it- big boys and girls.. I'm leaving New York City and every pore in my body is singing singing singing..it's over. I've been here snce after college and I'm done. I no longer am relevant in this city and I am eager to start my life anew somewehere somewhere in Massachusettes. I'll always charge NYC to my "combat years'. But it is over!!!

The symptoms were there.. I was drowning in NYC. I was in a job which I hated in the last two years and I felt taken advantage of. I was working long hours and then- suddenly I wondered what am I a running around for..this is crazy.NYC functions like a huge big matrix and the matrix runs deep. Whether you take the red pill or the blue pill, you are still trapped in a "ratrace". Lots of power, control and money make ts city go arund, but I didn't feel the humanity towrds the end. But there it is.. I spent my early adult years rolling around in it. It's tiring. It's old. And it's dated. There are other cities of prominence.
Thank you for sustaining me for nearly 15 years. Now I'm done. Headed out to the best!

A Tribute to All the Hell 2002 to 2009

 A long time ago I met someone I would later regret being involved with.

Or do I really regret the last seven years of my life.  I never thought that I would eventually become the prey. I did however label my husband a "predator". And it was not my any small stretch of the imagination. I believe that in meeting this man, I did set myself up for violence, misdirected anger and general abuse.

His process was to coolly calculate whether I was worth his time, and how much he would have to lay out to court me. Later I would realize his mentality was that every woman had a price.

It always came back to money and his earning potential. Constantly he reminded me that his potential was huge and he made more money than me. I learned to ignore such boastful remarks early in the relationship.

But what was I really ignoring. His superiority over me, and growing insecurity to state it at all in the first place. Looking back now, I can see the signs of narcissism and low self-esteem so clearly. What was that quote about hindsight that people make? Hindsight is always 20-20.

He was quick in arousal of anger, speedy in his need to be in control. I loved this characteristics initially. They used to make me feel sure and guided in his strong hands. Now, it makes me feel ill.

How do I rectify what I saw as strong and capable now as controlling and unhappy?

I remember not being attached to the outcome of dating him as there were so many choices at that time. Did I forget how powerful and attractive I was as a woman? How did I retreat into this cocoon of despair and misery that soon became my existence? I wanted to be heard and assured. And I stopped hearing and assuring myself, my sure inner voice had gone silent.

It was as if a flame had gone out in the candle of my soul. I actually didn't remember what it was like to have inner voice. Now that was disturbing.

Only years later would I realize that this is a common step in many women's journeys.

The doubting of their own voice, their own lighthouse which safely guides them in the dark of life. Well, my pilot light was not just dim. It had completely gone out. I had no words to describe the pain I was feeling at that moment. I felt empty like a shell. Someone had robbed me of all my "fight".  All that was left was a scared little mouse that was hovering in the corner.

At that moment, I knew implicitly that I was in "survivor shock". Survivor shock refers to the skeletal existence of one's inner voice after a traumatic experience. Bare bones reside where a very healthy scream once used to.

This was my "condition". I diagnosed myself. I had nowhere to go but "upward". I couldn't possibly fall any further. Free. Free at last.. God bless Jesus. I am finally free at last.

The Predator- May 2002 thru November 2009

The Predator by Sareena Sandhu

I belive he had the notion quite a while ago that he could woo women with his cash, his words, and his sexual bravado. I should have recognized his colors a long ago when i was still an ingenue. He, himself, rivals the "whores" that he paid for and claims took advantage of.

I suppose after 7 years I no longer represent the prey but also the predator now since I practice his malicious twisted ways. I have taken in all this supposed mafia man's anger and abuse and it has twisted my gut. I'm willing to put him appropiately to rest and out to pasture.

It never occured to me that his words and psychology were something more than old-school, now I see them as misogystic and supremely detrimental to any woman's self-esteem. He batters the very essence of my self respect by putting down my job, my personality and my family. I represent the last female victim of this man. His brutality and anger cut through me.

As the "prey" for a year, I saw utter hell. His world collapsed into a self -made web of cruelty and loneliness. Now, karma does really pay you back. I saw a man that attempted to fuck me when I didn't consent, control me in countless ways, and psychologically "destroy" me. 

I am alive and here to support that he controls nothing. And I'm here to make sure no other woman falls in the same trap.